Post-Natal Day Reflections

Before you read further, let me start by offering my deepest gratitude for all your gracious birthday greetings. To my dear family, friends, Regal Hill, THANK YOU ALL: without all your support, things would have been very different. Most of all, To The One Up There, Thank You for this Life.

The day after my birthday gave me a lot of time to think about what is truly important to me at this time of my life. I’ve really lived such an incredible life. I have done lots of mistakes and learned from them.

I am _ _ years old. I am the age of my heart. The thought of being in this age didn’t bring with it uninhibited joy, but a feeling of trepidation. Basically, I haven’t treated this natal day the way I treated any other birthday.

Even supposing that I had already accomplished a lot- university, career (even laid low career), school after school, etc.- I still can’t help but ask myself “What road would I take next?” Wherever I am at this point, I can honestly say I am happy. There are times however, those worry wart-evil thoughts keep shaking me and poking my guts. “Are you lost? Are you doing what you wanted to do? Are you truly where you wanted to be?”  Suddenly, I feel the urge to take a deep breath. Sigh. Deep, cleansing breaths. On occasion, tiny fluids secreted by the lacrimal glands of my eyes instinctively drop, how salty they are. And yet, when whimpering’s done I feel better again and when my tear ducts shut, I feel my own renewal of hope, and my own sense of purpose. Everyone feels the same way once in a while. Human nature.

The past few years I have been piloted in an unexpected personal wave of uncertainty and anxiety. I have embraced my sadness and darkness in order to see the light and experience true bliss. Despite setbacks, I have kept and still keep on going. With that said, I have built my inner strength  through learning the hard way.  I have journeyed down many different roads; have pushed huge stones aside for me to let through. I have mapped a different route in life. The fact is, sometimes the things we’re most passionate about- the things we would most like to accomplish in life- are the very blueprints we tend to put off. Time flies, and that half-decorated wall is still waiting in vain, or that half-started postgraduate degree is balanced out, or the course that we so want to take is neglected,  merely because we can’t seem to find a way to start or pursue it. Making those big dreams come true is not as easy as eating cakes on your birthday.

Nonetheless, I have had my heart set on living my dreams (perhaps aimless dreams). On living those dreams, I have stared various proverbial forks in the road. Life has been constantly teaching me. It has taught me how to focus on the choices I have to make every time I find myself standing pensively at one of those forks in the road. I may not have all the answers to my stupid questions; I may not reach all my goals, but the important thing is to keep striving toward one. No matter how overwhelmed I feel, how impossible the odds seem I always take time to step back and envision the life I want to have. I have been the seedling in a cultural desert, wanting ever so much to be grown, to be something more than what I am.

How old am I again? Bugger! Age is not a particularly interesting subject especially for a person like me. Anyone can get old. But we should turn not older with years, but newer everyday.

So you are not where you thought you would be at 25, 30, 35, 40, 50 or 70? Everyone’s life plan swerves off course at some point. It’s the journey that matters the most. It is the journey that makes the person. It is the journey that transforms a person from being average to enjoy stratospheric success. It is the journey that changes lives.

Now that I’ve turned _ _, I’m no longer afraid of what’s in store, albeit feeling a bit angst-ridden. I’m stepping into the next greatest evolution of myself. This time I should know what I really want. Unlike a birthday present, life is not always neatly packaged and tied with a bow. I know how to grow old but still stay young ;-). I haven’t really mastered any single wisdom yet, but I believe wisdom has its own way of sinking itself deep into my core.

In all instances,  I would wish to open my heart and mind a little wider. To walk to the edge. To scan well the horizons. To live well- to laugh often- to love much. To choose with no regret. To do what I love. Above all, I wish to be a stronger and better person today than I was yesterday.

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A Grip of Double R&R

So much going on, so little time to write. This time of year is tough to get things done.

The past few weeks have been so extreme and exhausting: Having accomplished my target at work driven by mundaneness, busting gym and then being able to attend a university orientation, and being inspired by the passionate sharers and speakers, made me humbly alive again. I could feel the energy of students in the hall. That’s where I get my vigor- attentive, listening crowd.

This week however, I’m taking a double R&R. Of Army, R&R stands for Rest and Relaxation. I’m a soldier of life (not in uniform) who needs R&R- so here I am, having a good time resting and relaxing from stressing list of appointments and commitments, afterwhich, I’ll get back on the move when I feel my fuel has levelled up. And even though I managed to spank myself just to pull up a seat right now, still, part of me is craving a little action that’s why I’m getting a grip on the other R&R- Responsibility and Realization. I’ve been denying the immediacy of my responsibility to realize my dismissed and coveted goals. I guess it’s time to dig a hole and put my excuses in it. Lame excuses- I have a lot. And I’ve been constantly using them to keep my aims on hold. Rationalizing, is it because it takes an overwhelming amount of effort to achieve a race’s end? Not as it should be. Looking back, what the heck was I thinking then? I’ve been goofing off.

So, I’m taking a double R&R (Rest and Relaxation) to kick back then, bounce back to take in hand my personal Responsibility & make my missions into Realization. Oh, it just made me smile 🙂 that I’ve taken a small step and I hope, and I hope and I hope that I become hard as nails that no matter how tough the hammers of life are, I stay calm, cool, focused and collected.

That, my friends, is the sermon for the day, not for you, but for me.

🙂

Get a life-get a grip
Get away somewhere, take a trip
Take a break-take control
Take advice from someone you know

CHORUS:
Come on over-come on in
Pull up a seat-take a load off your feet
Come on over-come on in
You can unwind-take a load off your mind

Make a wish-make a move
Make up your mind-you can choose
When you’re up-when you’re down
When you need a laugh come around

Repeat CHORUS

Oh, oh, oh…

Be a winner-be a star
Be happy to be who you are
Gotta be yourself-gotta make a plan
Gotta go for it while you can

Repeat CHORUS

Get a life-get a grip
Get away somewhere, take a trip
Take a break-take control
Take advice from someone you know

Repeat CHORUS

Oh, oh, oh…

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I Love Challenges!

Say it out loud- “I LOVE CHALLENGES!”

When I looked through the summary report of the workforce’s performance posted on the entrance wall a week ago, the highlighted name of a colleague got stuck in my eyes and in my head like glue. For the first time this year, somebody got acknowledged by her outstanding work. I have to admit it made me green with envy, not in a negative sense. I’ve actually been toiling with this ‘donkeywork’, so to speak, but never felt really fulfilled. Suddenly, a motivational envy pumped me up. I reversed envy into challenge and it surely was a healthy dose of vitamin E (Envy). That word ‘E’ is perfectly normal as long as you use it positively. I always think of it as fuel to drive my way to attaining a goal, worthy or not.

Hitting the road on my way home that day, I told myself, “If she can, why can’t I…?” That was the time I took a shot of vitamin C (Challenge). Going back to E, envy could constructively add flavor to your work, as it did to mine, that makes competition more exciting. I hope I don’t come across as ‘the green-eyed monster’. No, I’m not. I was just ignited by the idea of achieving something that I believe I can by channelling my energies to what is supposed to be done. Crunch this, there’s no need for you to envy somebody or anybody. You just have to use the person you envy not as someone to compete with but someone to emulate. Mind you, being challenged, I was also working ‘ridiculously crazy’. Trying to surpass what she has accomplished was like climbing up a pole until I reached the flag of a feat (all the reason to stick to the job for a while).

Yesterday, when I walked by the news flash board, my heart missed a bit when I saw my name on the list highlighted in green neon, not only on one sheet but two. Ho ho ho! That’s what you call PL (Performance Level) to the max twinned by another PL (Passion-Liveliness/ joie de vivre!). I don’t intend to blow my own horn by putting this down here. I just wanted to underscore that finally, my hard work has paid off at least in that manner. What do I get from that? Talk to the hands of the company system! Not negotiable- no incentive, no bucks handed in, no extra cheque, no “employee of the month” award plaque but it definitely made me ‘a bit’ fulfilled, lol! I’m not a person who only works for the sake of money but for self- actualization cause as long as a challenge could boost me up when I feel that my motivation is waning.

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On Tranquilizer

I thought of these a few moments ago before going to bed thinking of the things that happened to me this week.

Pathetically I admit, my momentum is zero. I always thought that I could hit three birds with one stone. I couldn’t. As I press forward in life, it also becomes more and more knotty.

I’ve been toiling with this language that is no longer pleasing to my ears and to my maxilla-mandible. I wish I could say “Oh, how I love this language as much as I would love to study French or Greek.” I’m still digging deep within to see if I could hoist my momentum with my own illusory winch. Then I finally had to acknowledge the fact that I really don’t have motivation for this thing. I’m following a path but my heart is not in it. I know because I am not inspired… not motivated naturally.

For the meantime, I guess all I need to do is to shut my pooped out wit and live for the moment; gotta follow the lead of my soul to calm my vibes.

I may be at the end of my tether but through these fights (against all odds), I believe that I’m developing the inmost strength of my heart.

Have a Pleasant Weekend, mates!

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